i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
