You're a womanizer and a bitch.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
