Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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