proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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