Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
