The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize