I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
