i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
