she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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