11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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