this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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