If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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