Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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