My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
