fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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