I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
