I wanna passion pit in your ass
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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