you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
