life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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