I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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