you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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