i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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