I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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