Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize