After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
