The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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