Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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