You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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