Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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