that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
