Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We had sex on a dog bed..
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