I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
