sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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