He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
