I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
