I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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