Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Panties = found
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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