I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
