You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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