..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
