Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
