Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was like eating out sand paper
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
