Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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