Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
