The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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