drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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