It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
