yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
