I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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