we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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