CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
