I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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