You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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