3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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