i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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