I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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