I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
