I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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