I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize