one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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