All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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