Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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