i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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