just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
