he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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