Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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