I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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