oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
