I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
