No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
