after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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