we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Bring me that man meat
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
